HERE’S HOW TO DO THIS
By the time you reach adulthood, you have mastered the art of judging yourself and others. You have had years to understand the types of people you naturally get along with and those you do not.
We have all seen how strained relationships at work can lead to conflict and negatively affect performance. Since more than 2/3 of employees say that work friends are important to their job satisfaction, learning how to better manage these tensions is a wise use of your time.
Much psychological research has been conducted to explain why some relationships are more difficult than others. Human beings are complex social creatures, with their own set of values and beliefs about how people should behave, interact, and communicate. Unconscious prejudices influence the way we think and feel about everything from gender to race. Many of these prejudices influence the people we get along with and those we find difficult or annoying.
We have an innate desire to be liked and respected at the same time. When there is conflict, our first instinct is to blame the other person.
The world would be a better place if everyone was like me. But you know that's false!!!
The point is, that we all want to work with people we get along with. However, not everyone is like us. For new managers, in particular, the thoughts that keep you awake at night are likely to be about people rather than strategy — especially those you don't get along with or find "difficult."
What do you do when you're forced to collaborate with someone you “despise”?
Consider using these tried-and-true strategies the next time a relationship is difficult.
First, look in the mirror.
Surprisingly, we can dislike someone without knowing why, and then seek evidence to prove our point. This is referred to as confirmation bias or myside bias. Our brain finds numerous ways to manipulate the truth in the name of keeping us safe, which is one of its primary functions. Our brain is also very good at remembering why a particular person should not be trusted. It's difficult to change your mind about someone once you've created a "file" on them. But here is what we have learned and are certain of after 25 years of experience. People who are the happiest and most successful find healthy ways to work with their personalities in their professional, social, and familial lives. They are acutely aware of how they invest their energy in interpersonal relationships. They adjust their strategies to achieve the desired outcomes.
So, if you want that person in the office to be less obnoxious or to stop feeling anxious whenever you see them, you must first examine yourself. Are you willing to put forth an effort?
Consider how different your life would be and what you could accomplish with all of the extra time you are currently wasting being frustrated. This could be the best life hack ever.
Act like an adult.
This is the stage at which you consider everything you've ever learned about emotional intelligence and consciously choose the meaning you give to a situation. For example, if someone is rude to you in the staffroom or during a meeting, do you assume they dislike you or do you remove yourself from the situation and consider that they may simply be having a bad day?
Don't engage in childish behaviors such as becoming irrationally defensive and ignoring that person out of spite. Rather than excluding them from future meetings or sending a passive-aggressive email, identify behaviors that will benefit you (and them).
These include politely exiting unproductive conversations, confronting someone respectfully and privately to discuss a problem before it escalates, and setting clearer boundaries around your time and expectations.
Appreciate what the person brings to the table.
Find out what you like about the person; after all, almost everyone has strengths and skills that can be exploited. Don't disrespect people who are different from you. The best employees understand the importance of diversity in solving difficult problems and innovating.
Respect entails listening to others, adjusting your thinking, and adding value to the conversation by challenging group thinking. It necessitates a strong concern for others. Take into account their ideas, points of view, and differences. Respecting behavioral styles and ways of thinking that differ from your own provides you with a plethora of new perspectives and allows you to process information more carefully.
Avoid dwelling on the negatives.
If you have a grudge against someone and expect them to be late for meetings or miss deadlines, you will almost certainly find the evidence you seek. That's confirmation bias at work.
When someone irritates you, instead of focusing on what they're doing wrong, consider how you're reacting. Are their constant interruptions driving you insane because you've been taught that talking over others is impolite? Is their "pushiness" for promotion making you nervous because you've been passed over for advancement in the past?
Think about some of your triggers, noting what you're reacting to and why. Once you've identified what's triggering you, you can decide whether it's something you can let go of or something you need to address with the person in a thoughtful conversation in which you explain the impact they're having on you. Just make it about how you feel rather than what they are doing. Pointing fingers never ends well. You could also approach them one by one and brainstorm ideas on how best to collaborate. Instead of giving orders, ask: "What can I do to improve our working relationship?". In most cases, changes can be made on both sides to make things work.
Attempt to connect.
Look for the good in this person and try to start positive conversations with them about topics to which you can both contribute, such as project accomplishments and organizational success. Try to distinguish between the person and their actions. Focusing on the person and identifying a trait that you both value, such as trust, will make you less likely to dwell on the external behavior that you dislike, such as their proclivity to interrupt.
This will make the relationship more respectful and harmonious. Once you establish this relationship, you may discover that you were unfairly judging them, that they are not as "unproductive" as you once thought, and that their "mistakes" are ones that everyone makes from time to time.
Plan ahead of time.
Consider the desired outcome and take the necessary steps to achieve it. Perhaps you should change the way you work with the person, whether by devoting more time to assisting them in developing a skill, connecting them with others in the organization, or providing meaningful feedback on their work — even if you don't want to.
Concentrate on what you can do to help them succeed, remembering that their success is your success. The organizational vision and what is required to get there should be top of mind. Spend time ensuring that the difficult person understands their role, feels a sense of belonging, and understands what success looks like for everyone.
Choose your battles wisely.
There are some battles worth fighting, especially when they are about values. If something you hold dear has been wronged, find a constructive way to express yourself and speak your truth. Getting along with difficult people does not imply justifying or ignoring what is unacceptable, such as bullying or discrimination. But if they're simply rubbing you the wrong way, offering opposing viewpoints, or clinging to an issue that will fade with time, you should probably let it go.
The key is to be empathetic, to see the situation from the other person's point of view, and to be curious rather than judgmental. Consider the feelings, insecurities, ideas, and experiences of the person with whom you are arguing. Maybe they ask those annoying questions during meetings to show how invested they are, or maybe they gossip about coworkers because they are dealing with their insecurities. Work on the assumption that everyone has problems and deserves some patience, tolerance, and understanding.
Finally, keep in mind that not everyone must be your friend. We can work effectively if we respect even those we dislike. Team sports teach us that many athletes have worked together for the same goal, which is to help the team win. They were hostile, if not enemies, in private. Here's how to tell the difference between a leader and a wingman. Between those who solve problems and those who put them off.
If you are interested in the topic, fill out the contact form for more details. We would like to connect with you.
Comments